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Her First Day of School

 She was nervous, as am I. Her first day of school triggers me, because when I was her age, I cried everyday because I didnt understand anything. It felt like we just came back from the UK and then I am suddenly being thrown in a class full of Malay speaking kids who just wont leave me alone.  But she was so pretty and demure. I am so proud of her. She has always been patient with me and always so loving. I pray she gets good friends and kind teachers. I hope she is happy studying. I pray all the good things in life that I never had, she will get the chance to have it. In Sha Allah. I remember I cried for months, and instead of people hugging me they slap my face, pinch or shouted at me. All I get were negative words and never encouragement. I ran to my sister and she treats me like I am a bother. Maybe I am an unwanted child. I told my mother how I am bothered by him. She deflected by talking about my sister. I hope someone I can be with someone who is kind to me. And her. I ...
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And it all became memories

 At first I was convinced  Until I wasn't All the rollercoaster ride on this recent relationship just irks me to have another again But then I saw hope I saw hope in someone else who has always been there but never too much I am happy he is still single But it worries me seeing her so clearly into his life Maybe I shall revisit again
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Do I? Should I?

  Salam. This isn’t anger—it’s clarity. And I’ve stayed silent long enough, but you need to hear this. You came into my life with promises—love, commitment, marriage. You called me a petunjuk, and I believed you, because I’d admired you for so long. But slowly, what began with those words became a quiet withdrawal. Our moments became brief, rushed—like my time and heart were only worth convenience. What hurt most wasn’t just the silence. It was how you showed up for my body, but not for my emotions. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. And it’s not the man I thought you were. I gave you honesty, effort, and belief. I received inconsistency, silence, and confusion. You said your door was always open—but you never built a space where I felt safe to stay. I still wish you peace. I respect your intention to turn over a new leaf. But know this: real change is seen, not spoken. If you truly cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like something temporary. I chose you despite your past and y...
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Some Things are just meant for Dreams

 There are no words to describe how I feel right now. It is 3rd of Ramadhan and so many things have happened I wouldn't be surprise if I am overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe someday this too shall pass. I feel like I am a burden to anyone around me. Sometimes I wish I can run away but I don't want to take away of my daughter's chance to have a relationship with my family, even if I feel like they don't like me. I hate my ex. He has been bothering me and also founding out he lied about things last year didn't really help me respect him. My mom keeps on bringing up the past but forgot she left us with an abusive man. I finally admit to falling in love again, to only be treated the same way even I did block him for nearly a month. I couldn't deny my feelings but at the same time, I didn't want to be treated that way again, distant, cold and no safe space. I am praying hard for a job near home at least, or flexible hours. People keep walking over me. I hate it. T...
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Sugar Daddy and such

Be careful what you wish for they said, So here I am, figuring it out if its a blessing or ujian... For a few months ago I have been saying to my friends that the one thing that might help me out in this tight situation is having a Sugar Daddy, we laughed about it because it feels absurd that I would even consider. But Allah is Great and Always Listening, A few days ago I came in contact with a certain someone, we knew way way back when I was young and our conversations are always decent, never flirty. So I met him again at a ceremony, barely missing him when I climbed the stairs but just enough to recognize him. He had small talk before we part ways and I came back to talk to him at his seat at the end of the ceremony. He talk about it private life, as was I. He said do not suffer alone or can give him a call and I thanked him genuinely because I am not going to sugarcoat it, life is hard and I am tired but I prefer this than before. Then he texted me, we had small talk again until he...
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Outburst

  But to be honest, I kept feeling guilty about yesterday. But sometimes I have to say it so someday you would understand that I am trying. I never said I was perfect.  I just want to spend my lifetime in peace with you. When that peace is being disturbed, I feel the need to defend myself, because honestly before this, people has been trampeling me most of my life. All because "I took the higher ground" by not telling how I feel or even my side of the story. I do want peace for us.  Just on my terms now. And I dont even ask for much. I believe sometimes being kind is only deserved by certain people who wont abuse your kindness. And I also believe now that sometimes when you think people should continue to be kind, it sometimes enables peoples bad behavior. If people still expects me to be kind after hateful things being done and said, then excuse my language.  Because you should know that people sometimes pick and choose what they want to remember, but sadly for me, ...
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My Confession

 23.3.2024 12.00am Assalamualaikum....Just wanted to let you know firstly, sorry if this message is a bit long, but I promise, its not a scam and also I hope you can bear with me for a few minutes.. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, happy and healthy.  I'm sorry again if this came out so suddenly, but recent events have led me to believe that, I would like this to be let out of my system, which apparently, I didn't know was still there in the first place, so I can move on with my life. I am also sorry if this text would cause you any trouble as I don't really know your status, but I really mean no harm, however I hope you can forgive me if it does. I just wanted to let you know that, I have always admired you. I don't know how it started but I have always loved our talks and banter since the beginning and it really made me happy, I would like to thank you for that. You (almost) always give good advices and your views are real (sometimes, but I enjoyed knowing some, som...
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