Taited Soul

 I am more at ease now i think We had a fallout regarding someone called me the other day But my counselor pointed out i dontnneed to bring it up since he went defensive So i said i will try And she said i may not need her anymore because i know what i want and what to do already He didnt give me any money like before I guess he wanted to try to manage the money Also he shaved just the way i like it But i wasnt really impressed Instead it makes me even sad Because when it has come to this is where he teies to do what i like I am a diverging decision I may not need to stay for her But maybe i just need to support myself first Then i would know where am i going Allah is great Something happened suddenly yesterday He suddenly texted me but it seems aa if he's not what he seems... I got to go

Its nearly a month from my confession And to me there is not much progress An on off progress Yesterday at work he was suddenly like this I honestly am annoyed Because he never would have said anything before He never even told me he has to work yesterday I am relieved everytime he goes Pleased to do what i want wear whatever i need call whoever i want What am i supposed to say anyway? We already talked about this but its like he wants an easy way out Like i am all okay like before But the thing is i am not And he cant accept it Because he never admits it He told me he would transfer his money like before He havent still I was worried before But i am in the will of Allah And Allah is merciful If he wants to control me Take what is mine Than Allah is what i have I need to step up I need to be strong For me For my daughter He may not be a man of his word But i will be the woman i want and need to be InsyAllah There is a way InsyAllah Allah is with me if he ever mistreats me

 Its been a few days I have been tired because of vaccination And my daughter has been sleeping late I tried but its hard with no cooperation Yesterday i had my session I felt more at ease and comfortable talking about my marriage Besides also having a side project with friends I have my privacy a little as well He did something unexpected anfew days ago Putting hooks at the door, at my level He never done things like that before Always wanting me to tell him How to act what to say how to say it Maybe because the previous day I told him to look things at my prespective Because he keep asking me to trust him  Regarding hibah I told him how am i supposed too  When he lost the hibah book He might have change it Who knows right Job opportunities are thrown at me I am not sure if its a sign to go out or stay I will try to asl if the job is good I need to For her I am seeing her being sensitive with how i feel Even if i pretended to be upset She will cry But she doesnt know wha...

I got my vaccine yesterday Was really uplifting experience going on my own My daughter seems well without me for a few hours But i miss her dearly Annoyed because he didnt update me  Dont know if its done purposely People after vaccination are usually tired But i cant because i still have to cook Its like he doesnt have that common sense Always depending on how i should tell everything I had a meeting with friends Came down finding him asleep Whilst daughter watching youtube on tv When i specificly told him to stop 30 minits before He got angry because i got angry For leaving her alone  He said it was temperory I dont believe him Because he always deny it He didnt read her the quran before going to sleep like he promised Always saying he got tired for God knows what I dont know The cycle is repeating

A friend told me that people will change if they continue the habit for 40 days. Its been 24 days And its back again The snoring The not reading of quran like promised The 'imagination' that he wakes up and night and do work And maybe the same i have to wake him up everynight to pray Like i feel so tied up for praying right now Because his pace is too fast for me Like i cant finish my fatihah or rukuk or sujud or tahiyat like i used too because i had to follow.his lead Moreover, sometimes he forgets and skips a rakaat or something And the other day he did and he told me i should have said Subhanallah And i am like ?????????? Now i have to do that too????? But the counselor said that i should encourage good behavior if i want it to last But i am sick of babying a man Am i sick of telling the same person the same thing almost always And he is like oblivious Why does he expect me to treat him like a king when he treats me like a maid Like it is common sense that i get tired of coo...

 Its been hard to blog  I get tired almost every night But i try Yesterday I did counseling with a friend of a friend She clarified me a bit on my life decisions Told me that i may need to see things from a different prespective As well as that i make a decision heavily based on my daughters needs And yes I may have to make a decision  For how to make this work I cried too in front of a stranger Because i am overwhelmed That i know i wanted to be free But i cant just yet The timing isnt right Or maybe the decision I am getting less annoyyed And he is slowly getting back into his older self But she told me If i want him to act differently I may need to give him encouragement I dont want to initially Because i feel like he overcompensate a few things from me But i still need to make a decision on this I just hope my way on getting my own income will shine some light Now i am just annoyed his snoring is getting louder And he has no effort to make it lesser  I love my da...

I couldnt sleep He's snoring too loud All he can say is sorry Use the savings again today for groceries He also kept texting eventhough its the weekend So mad right now Too tired Cant sleep I just want to hit him He could have slept at another place in the house But choose to bother us with his snores "I tried" Yeah well i tried too but still hv to do chores in the morning

 I am getting tired Been cooking for 3 times a day for a week He seems to try and not use his money as well He told he his money is already finished now At only a week plus Since 26th His 2k is gone No wonder i always feel insecure

I nearly forgot He told my girl to be a good girl To grow up and be a good person0 When i asked why all of the sudden He said Because he might only have her as his child ....... I hate this

 Yesterday I was super annoyed I wanted to drive around in the evening But we filled up the car and drive through McD later While he was somewhere around the neighbourhood I didnt want to look at the phone after I wanted space So we drove around Then i saw him behind us Round and round i pretended not seeing him We missed him before but he was able to catch up later Driving around behind us like a stalker Until i had to acknowledge him because it was getting dangerous At home he asked again and again if i hadnt seen him I pretended i didnt Saying i was worried because i thought it was some road bully I know if i said i did it would be a much longer story ....... Later that night he kept asking why do i sigh a lot I told him does it matter because he never could take it nicely Then he starts doing that self pity thing again I pointed it out And he just gave it away like 'okay i will give you space' Because i told him i am tired of his invasion on my privacy I cant look at the ph...

 I am trying not to be so angry But maybe i failed I thought everything was gling smooth But maybe not Maybe i am just tired od cooking 3 times a day I cook only to lessen the burden to cook Because usually, every near the end of the month He would ask money for support Granted it is his money though I want to save some at least Sometimes its good to listen to your instinct ...... Around evening he kept asking me Why cant i answer him nicely? Like around 7 pm he called me after i wemt to the toilet Granted i knew he would come at me about her Not in a pushy way but like he would somehow make her the reason And true enough when i open the door He said 'Mama i cant go take a bath because she wont let me' I am so fed up of him blaming her for things he couldnt do just because she doesnt want to listen to him Then later on i went out of the toilet She called her Papa!!!!! PAPA!!!!! Only then he answered Then he asked me if i knew his nephew is going to a boarding school And i was a...

 I didnt have time to post yesterday Because we went to outside to get some air I was annoyed yesterday Having him suddenly asking about my gay friend Which i didnt remember telling him about it Maybe he looked through my phone But still He was upset i was angry I was upset because he brought it up When he just wanted to talk about a gay officemate I told him that doesnt need to bring up my friend Then He went on and on Saying is he a bad person just for asking Questioning someones sexuality I just had it with all the excuses In the end its like i am the one who is overeacting Then he keeps playing the 'i miss old times sake' I got even madder Because remembering those times makes me feel stupid ....... Today He keeps on asking again 'Are you okay?' Up to the forth or fifth time i just had it I berated him 'why are you asking' And he can only say ' Saje' Then making that sad face ........ I dont feel like i have privacy anymore I feel like i made a mista...

 We talked heart to heart Because i noticed him mumbling for praying He told me he felt sad But is trying Now that he tries to come to termsppp ...... I reminded him That i have always tried to tell him How it was serious And he admit its his fault for not paying attention Now he knows his boundaries How some things he wanted to know Now i dont let him I reminded him again I never meant for him to feel so much sadness But still i cant keep on blaming myself for this He understood ....... He wasnt feeling rather well after Its like he always do when i asked him to see a doctor But after some scolding he did Doctor said everything is normal but may due to stress And i know i am the reason .... The thing is I didnt feel upset about it Just felt responsible And i apologized to him And maybe in my heart i might have to forgive him too I dont know I feel nothing Annoyed maybe But not sad Nor angry Or upset I do feel sad i am making him sad But its sadder when i had cried alone all this t...

 Its 3 am And i woke up finally Yesterday ive talked to some friends And they understand But he didnt Ke keep on asking Pushing To remember those times We held on to each other And in the end I got angry But i kept my cool Blaming it on myself ....... But for how long How long i have to be sorry for it How long do i have to always take the blame I too need to be honest with myself Because that is all i have ...... I am sad that i made him feel this way But i have to be myself I promised ........ I heard him When he thought i was asleep He said he loved me Missed me Wanted me to want him like before He couldnt live without me But i froze I let him say everything Let him touch my hair And i pretended If i still feel it Why didnt i wake up? Why didnt i want too? Why did i feel like wanting to kick him instead? Because of the snoring? ........ I told him i never asked for this He kept pushing my buttons Saying he wont let anybody else take care of her I told him i never said i would le...

 I told him the truth yesterday And he was upset Very upset He cried so hard Punching walls And i was left with her Trying hard not to cry.... When he came down there were still visible tears Him saying to her to be a strong girl I told him that i would never take her from him I made up my mind yesterday night But he keep on insisting what should be done All i could say was i dont know.. I never intended to hurt him But i have to say it Because he wanted to hug me And i dont He asked dont i love him I told him, i just feel nothing.... I told him everything I told him i tried I told him i am sorry  While our baby watch us cry Her face shows curiosity Looking back and forth on both of us.. He didnt blame me He even said he will give everything Everything i asked just to make me.happy To let go But i said i never want her to loose him Not with her keep on asking for him every morning and night I cant take that away from her I just couldnt He asked me to give him a chance To make ...

I dont know how i feel watching you sleep She was so happy sitting with you before she slept My heart was happy seeing her happy But i cant look at you Afraid you will see  I didnt want to smile at you ...... I prayed now more than ever I want only whats best for her But my heart, it feels like bursting with emotion Do i still love you Do i still care I just want to keep the peace between us ........ I looked back at our journey And i remember all the good that youve done to me To us But still We are here Again... ........ Am i the problem? Why am i always the problem? Did u read that email Did u know how i feel Why didnt you say anything? ........ .............. I thougt again about him And truly i am afraid If in any case I will never be a good wife Maybe a good mother A good friend Sister maybe Daughter maybe But not a wife Am i strong enough Why do i have to always be strong? .... ........ ...... I tried to hide the disgust I tried to hide my annoyance ........... Ya Allah, ple...