Clarity

Seeing you today clarifies a bit of what i wished for yesterday


Maybe i have my issues yet

Maybe it will be the same cycle even if im with you

My heart somehow

Is different

And i do wish you the best


He remembered what is said about you

Trying to know u more

But i just brush it off

Because what happened was in 2006

And now its 2021

Its not the same

Anymore


I am in pieces now

I dont know

My heart wants what it wants

I know that now

All the investes feelings are gone

I want to be free of this bond


But then i see her

How she wants him every morning

And i break

Knowing i cant take that from her


But i....i cant bring myself to just

Just give my body to him anymore

I just cant

I dont feel to touch him

I dont feel like hugging

I dont feel anything even if he kiss me

I just dont

I dont want to lie to myself

I just know that people will ask me to just try it

To try at least

But i just cant fathom it

I dont feel attracted

I dont feel the pull

I just kept remembering how everytime we did it

I will be feeling lonely after



What is wrong with me


But i know this sacrifice

Will bring me closer to jannah

I hope so

Isnt that what we live for in this dunya

But i feel like crying now

Because

I wanted so much to have a happy ending

Am i not worthy


Maybe i am.not grateful

But why is it my fault?


Ya Allah..please guide me



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