Mind games

Everyone is asleep except me

In my mind, its playing some sort of play

That i am living a different life

With a different man

I stalked him, knowing he has had others but somehow remained

Was it because of me?

The little smile he gave me the other day, brings back that one memory of me and him. Other than that he is nothing more. 

But why now

Why do i feel this now

Is it because i am tired of living this life

Or just tired of him

And thus all my what if's

He tried being the person before but i just dont feel like it

I didnt want him to touch me anymore

I feel annoyed everytime he does

I think of all the things that may have happened

If i wanted a new life at what price?

Death?

Divorce?

Than i saw her with him

How she looks for him every day

Every morning

Smiling happiness

I would never take that away from her

I am not that special

Nobody wants me that bad

And its all in my head

But my heart i cant lie

I just dont feel like it anymore

Im tired

Of the same charade

The same excuses

The same tears

The same begging

But she loves him

And i love her more

And i shall bear it i guess

With all these plays in my head

Hoping praying that whatever price it is

Its not to lose her for it

I love u dear

Mama always love u

Forever

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And it all became memories

 At first I was convinced  Until I wasn't All the rollercoaster ride on this recent relationship just irks me to have another again But then I saw hope I saw hope in someone else who has always been there but never too much I am happy he is still single But it worries me seeing her so clearly into his life Maybe I shall revisit again
Read more

Some Things are just meant for Dreams

 There are no words to describe how I feel right now. It is 3rd of Ramadhan and so many things have happened I wouldn't be surprise if I am overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe someday this too shall pass. I feel like I am a burden to anyone around me. Sometimes I wish I can run away but I don't want to take away of my daughter's chance to have a relationship with my family, even if I feel like they don't like me. I hate my ex. He has been bothering me and also founding out he lied about things last year didn't really help me respect him. My mom keeps on bringing up the past but forgot she left us with an abusive man. I finally admit to falling in love again, to only be treated the same way even I did block him for nearly a month. I couldn't deny my feelings but at the same time, I didn't want to be treated that way again, distant, cold and no safe space. I am praying hard for a job near home at least, or flexible hours. People keep walking over me. I hate it. T...
Read more

Do I? Should I?

  Salam. This isn’t anger—it’s clarity. And I’ve stayed silent long enough, but you need to hear this. You came into my life with promises—love, commitment, marriage. You called me a petunjuk, and I believed you, because I’d admired you for so long. But slowly, what began with those words became a quiet withdrawal. Our moments became brief, rushed—like my time and heart were only worth convenience. What hurt most wasn’t just the silence. It was how you showed up for my body, but not for my emotions. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. And it’s not the man I thought you were. I gave you honesty, effort, and belief. I received inconsistency, silence, and confusion. You said your door was always open—but you never built a space where I felt safe to stay. I still wish you peace. I respect your intention to turn over a new leaf. But know this: real change is seen, not spoken. If you truly cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like something temporary. I chose you despite your past and y...
Read more