Trying to commit

Right now I am tying to commit with journals

But its hard since she almost always sleep late and I am already too tired.

But I try.

Just now I thought of reading the Quran but stopped because I thought I heard her crying but it was really his snoring.

I get tired of complaining about hos snoring.

I try to tolerate it for years but he never does anything about it. 

He tried when after my confession, but it stop later on.

Now even when I complained he just move a bit or doesnt.

Then he expects me to make breakfast in theorning which is comical.

Just before he said he wants to make cucur bilis for breakfast,i told him to blend anchovies earlier so it wont bother her, because she is scared of it.

One thing about him is he doesnt care if people are sleeping. Over a year ago I went ballistic because he kept banging the drawers to find his keys and such when she is clearly sleeping. 

He doesnt seem to have that empathy.

Everytime i bring up he alwaysbhave a good night sleep he will almost always say he didnt sleep well. When she was restless at night i almost always scream in frustration. 

These are the things that i feel like not wanting to go through anymore.

I know some people may not agree with me

Some may say i am being ungrateful

But i know what i feel

And it doesnt feel like it was before.

I know i said i would stay for her

But now i am reconsidering it.

I try to find jobs that i could earn from home but have to have patience because i dont have a laptop.

He said he would buy me one because i used up my savings for the family when i intended it for a nrw laptop. Lets just see.

A few days ago he asked for my money again and  nearly went ballistics because i feel like its stupid. He knows he was vaccination on that day but chooses to spend and blame his reasons on using it up for me or the family. Eventhough it was RM10 it was frustrating especially since in the end i have to give him another RM40 because he has tried various banks and cant. I was mad not only for the money but how silly it is for him to go in and out of places in this pandemic!

For now i think i have gain control of my emotions but will wait to talk about things later. Maybe the best would be after i find a job. Because somehow i feel.something might happen if i tell him now. He almost always have been dramatic and i font want him to be that way.

Recently she is being a bit restless around him. She wants to play with him but thats that. Yesterday evening she cried the whole way outside. Now she wouldnt let me out of her sight for too long. I checked her but nothing extra ordinary. She seems to be progressing well too.

I have yet to be strong. I do want to be stronger but sometimes my imagination helps me cope.

Like dating TWHiddleston. 

I really feels silly now that i wrote about it.

I think i got it good now. Been trying to be a good wife but still can have a little bit of space for myself. I pray that i have a good job that can lrt me be a good mother as well. I am not ready for her to be in anothers care right now. But i have to try because someday it will come soon.