Seeing a ray of light

 Since a month ago I cleaned up the house

And now it is a mess again

Her clothes are all not in order and he dares to ask me to take out all the old ones when I had already told him that I have arrange on the side. He didnt argue with me on this because he knows this and had the audacity to demand it from me. I will do it later once she has had enough clothes.

So far things have been normal

Yet i still feel the same

He tries i know

He did almost always says love you at the end of a text but i dont feel like saying it

He did once told me upfront but i still dont have the heart to say it

I dont want to say it if i dont mean it

Ive told him this

Right now i am in the toilet

He is outside with her, just coming back from his outstation.

I feel free when he isnt home

Like i could be myself and go anywhere with her freely

It made it easier she doeant miss him so much

I did reminisce our memories before

But the thing is, those happened before marriage and only a year

While we have been married for nearly 5

Yes he did so much and so have i

But now my heart is not in it

People would have said so much on my case

I dont blame them

But i know i cant live a lie like that

I have dropped my obsession with TWH, because paparazzi took his pic and GF, jealous but i know he is too far fetched for me, boohoo

I look myself in the mirror and i dont like myself

I look hedious

I dont look like me

I want to be pretty but i dont want to be pretty for him

I did notice this teammate of him texting him till night

I couldnt bother checking because he sometimes delete texts and he has done it before even when we promised not too

No i am not jealous but just annoyed because he kept holding this persona of a nice guy to everyone but takes advantage and taking me for granted

Owh well

I hope by buying a new laptop will ease my chances on finding a good job

I do hope that job can be done at home while i can take care of her

I do also hope it will help me with my career development

May Allah ease

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Do I? Should I?

  Salam. This isn’t anger—it’s clarity. And I’ve stayed silent long enough, but you need to hear this. You came into my life with promises—love, commitment, marriage. You called me a petunjuk, and I believed you, because I’d admired you for so long. But slowly, what began with those words became a quiet withdrawal. Our moments became brief, rushed—like my time and heart were only worth convenience. What hurt most wasn’t just the silence. It was how you showed up for my body, but not for my emotions. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. And it’s not the man I thought you were. I gave you honesty, effort, and belief. I received inconsistency, silence, and confusion. You said your door was always open—but you never built a space where I felt safe to stay. I still wish you peace. I respect your intention to turn over a new leaf. But know this: real change is seen, not spoken. If you truly cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like something temporary. I chose you despite your past and y...
Read more

As i watch you sleep

I dont know how i feel watching you sleep She was so happy sitting with you before she slept My heart was happy seeing her happy But i cant look at you Afraid you will see  I didnt want to smile at you ...... I prayed now more than ever I want only whats best for her But my heart, it feels like bursting with emotion Do i still love you Do i still care I just want to keep the peace between us ........ I looked back at our journey And i remember all the good that youve done to me To us But still We are here Again... ........ Am i the problem? Why am i always the problem? Did u read that email Did u know how i feel Why didnt you say anything? ........ .............. I thougt again about him And truly i am afraid If in any case I will never be a good wife Maybe a good mother A good friend Sister maybe Daughter maybe But not a wife Am i strong enough Why do i have to always be strong? .... ........ ...... I tried to hide the disgust I tried to hide my annoyance ........... Ya Allah, ple...
Read more

Annoyed

 I didnt have time to post yesterday Because we went to outside to get some air I was annoyed yesterday Having him suddenly asking about my gay friend Which i didnt remember telling him about it Maybe he looked through my phone But still He was upset i was angry I was upset because he brought it up When he just wanted to talk about a gay officemate I told him that doesnt need to bring up my friend Then He went on and on Saying is he a bad person just for asking Questioning someones sexuality I just had it with all the excuses In the end its like i am the one who is overeacting Then he keeps playing the 'i miss old times sake' I got even madder Because remembering those times makes me feel stupid ....... Today He keeps on asking again 'Are you okay?' Up to the forth or fifth time i just had it I berated him 'why are you asking' And he can only say ' Saje' Then making that sad face ........ I dont feel like i have privacy anymore I feel like i made a mista...
Read more