Nearly a month of Working Life

 It has been a month on working life

Tomorrow I will be gone for a day

I really like my job now because we have a good mutual understanding of family life

It's been a tiring month but I feel happy because I feel secure with my life.

Things haven't been really great.

Just know I got angry because he let a kitten climb up the table and drink her milk.

I shouted because I was really upset that he didn't even notice it happened because he was busy with the phone. Almost always when I caught his negligence he would be over defensive like just now he told me why I needed to shout. Of course I shouted, I was shocked he would have let that far. I told him even my daughter was talking to the cat, like don't you hear her? And he said, owh I taught she was talking to herself. So I said, so you let her talk to herself instead of talking to her?

The other day I told him I wanted to catch some sleep. I woke up because I heard him snore, and I caught him sleeping while my daughter went up the coffee table and smacking the TV. When I shouted, he woke up and scolded me for shouting. I told him who was watching her then??? Why cant I get some sleep in peace? He said he wasn't asleep and letting her climb the table? I was like seriously? So if something broke you have the money to pay for that??? I NEARLY CALLED HIM AN IDIOT! for lying about not being asleep or either way.

Yesterday there was an issue on our money.

I still haven't seen his bank statement of his personal loan. Almost every time broken promises to show me. Why do I want to see it? its because that was the personal lost of his salary. Even though he has an increment of 400+, still wasn't enough for him and what's more, he isn't interested to find other ways to find money, and just complain complain complain about work, but be more dedicated anyways. Never showing interest to find other work other than clicking away in Linkedin and Jobstreet and wait instead of taking a step further to call or email or make connections. He told me I should contribute too and I am like? did I not before? we have been spending MY MONEY since 17th of November! ALL OF MY SAVINGS HAVE GONE TO THIS FAMILY! HOW DARE HE !!!!! he complained that it was because we spent clothes for Sumayyah and me while forgetting that most of it was paid by MY CARD and if I didn't ask it back he would just PRETEND TO PAY AND FORGET BECAUSE I FORGET.

Fuck this.

It's happening over and over again.

I still have to wait for my confirmation letter to go one step further.

I am already like 40% here going to 30%.

The only thing that is holding me is her wanting to be with him. 

But his negligence is really frightening me. I feel like I can't trust him 100% especially when my daughter can't really tell her side of the story. I could only pray for Allah's protection on her.

I'm getting sick of having to think about almost everything for the survival of this family. 

It's like nothing's change. 

I remember I married him because I didn't want to burden my heart and mind with negative emotions.

and day by day he lets me into this spiraling worm hole that I feel is getting into my heart and head. The times sometimes he mocks funnily about my family suddenly become offensive to me because his family isn't short of perfection anyway.

I am sick of being the one to think and save for the family while he gets to spend his money as he likes then do nothing to make sure I DON'T HAVE TO HELP HIM! 

its not that I don't want to help him, it him BEING OVERLY LAZY TO HELP THE FAMILY by knowing we have more commitments now and HE SHOULD STEP UP!

the look on his face knowing how much I make worries me

his sudden plans to buy a house makes me not interested at all to have  a house together with him.

with his type of spending I could only imagine if we have more.

if I am the worrying about it then maybe I don't need him 

I cant hold on to memories every time this happens.

The anxiety of knowing my savings are gone bit by bit without any guarantee that I will be safe and worry free isn't sitting well for me.

All those memories of worrying without feeling secure is haunting me.

The times when he brought it up.

The excuses and the face he makes when he make those excuses.

I AM SO FED UP

He isn't a bad father, but he isn't trying to be a good husband.