Changes

 New year new company

I joined since last year. It felt like a dream company. One that I can achieve my dream. 


But not anymore.


It all started with the KPI setting.

I dont know. Something triggered me like  they keep bringing up about my salary. Mind you they have negotiated this with me and I have accepted as it is because I needed a job. Now I dont know.


One of the things that I hated about this job is that nothing seems to set properly. Like how do you want things done and how come this doesnt work out like how i think it would when avtually it would bring results too. Like how would you know my way of doing things is wrong?


I know they tried being understanding but i feel like they have something sinister to hide too. Like some things just dont add up.


But i went to the doctors. They told me its not because of work. Its because of him. And deep down inside i know that too. 


I tried to work it out. I tried tolerating his sudden tak ada duit moments. But still i hate it when i feel like the bad wife for not being 'understanding'. I have lost the will to clean up the housr but i had too the other day.


People keep saying that i shouldnt quit work but i dont think i can take it anymore. It not the job, its the person i guess. Giving mixed reactions are not appealing to me. I have had this kind of manager in my life and i dont like how it plays out. Like they try to be nice but they dont trust u enough. I feel anxiety everytime i look at the phone because i feel like i might miss her text and she'll send a condecending tone text to reply.


He is trying i know. He tried to take care of our daughter but seems like same situation for me. Its like i had to demand for it to happen to get it right. 


I told new people about my problems now because i believe the old circle is bored with me now. 


I just want someone to listen and hold me and tell me eveything will be alright. I just want a hug. I just want security. 


People keel telling me to be strong about it.


I

Am


Trying


But i am so


Tired.


Only Allah can help me now.

I am not scared yet.

Maybe i should.

I keep hugging her so i feel safe

Alhamdullilah i manage to change her school


Knowing she is happy is enough.


I hope i can find my happiness too.


I hope so much.


Crying myself to sleep.


This has been a lonely journey.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And it all became memories

 At first I was convinced  Until I wasn't All the rollercoaster ride on this recent relationship just irks me to have another again But then I saw hope I saw hope in someone else who has always been there but never too much I am happy he is still single But it worries me seeing her so clearly into his life Maybe I shall revisit again
Read more

Some Things are just meant for Dreams

 There are no words to describe how I feel right now. It is 3rd of Ramadhan and so many things have happened I wouldn't be surprise if I am overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe someday this too shall pass. I feel like I am a burden to anyone around me. Sometimes I wish I can run away but I don't want to take away of my daughter's chance to have a relationship with my family, even if I feel like they don't like me. I hate my ex. He has been bothering me and also founding out he lied about things last year didn't really help me respect him. My mom keeps on bringing up the past but forgot she left us with an abusive man. I finally admit to falling in love again, to only be treated the same way even I did block him for nearly a month. I couldn't deny my feelings but at the same time, I didn't want to be treated that way again, distant, cold and no safe space. I am praying hard for a job near home at least, or flexible hours. People keep walking over me. I hate it. T...
Read more

Do I? Should I?

  Salam. This isn’t anger—it’s clarity. And I’ve stayed silent long enough, but you need to hear this. You came into my life with promises—love, commitment, marriage. You called me a petunjuk, and I believed you, because I’d admired you for so long. But slowly, what began with those words became a quiet withdrawal. Our moments became brief, rushed—like my time and heart were only worth convenience. What hurt most wasn’t just the silence. It was how you showed up for my body, but not for my emotions. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. And it’s not the man I thought you were. I gave you honesty, effort, and belief. I received inconsistency, silence, and confusion. You said your door was always open—but you never built a space where I felt safe to stay. I still wish you peace. I respect your intention to turn over a new leaf. But know this: real change is seen, not spoken. If you truly cared, you wouldn’t have treated me like something temporary. I chose you despite your past and y...
Read more