Invalid

 A few days ago I felt invalid


What happen was I nag him to close the door because hus brother is in the house. Why? Because on our early days of marriage thus particular BIL has the stupid tendency to look into our room uninvited.

And guess what? He again ignored my reminder. And suddenly BIL casually looked into the room.


While I was hijabless.

While I wasnt wearing any bra.

And I looked him directly in the eye.


And this so called husband wasnt aware because he was so 'tired' and wasnt facing the door.


So naturally when i nag about it he treated as if I was overreacting. 

And asked me to eat at the same table as BIL.

And constantly asking "why i wont eat"

I truly fucking hate him now.

I wish I get a job soon.

I quit the other day because I couldnt control my emotions.

Today I suddenly wanted to check his wallet.

And sure enough one credit card is missing.

The Bank Muamalat card.

I wish I took a picture that day. 

I was so naive.

He has another credit card. Maybank.

Someday when it all goes down i would have to ask my MIL or FIL if he gave it to them.

Because if not them where is he keeping it.

Doesnt make sense to keep it somewhere in the house but I guess I would look for it when I have the time.

I hate doing it.

But maybe I have to.


I dont care about being rude to him anymore

He keeps changing his made up stories and tries to pin it on me everytime we go back to his hometown.


I am so sick of pretending everything is ok when it is not.


I hope i can hold on longer. 


I dont feel like bursting anymore.


Just want a good job with good pay so I can just move out and find my own place.


People dont care about me much to know anything wrong. 


So i guess i shall have to toughen it up.


I have checked his phone for infedility but found nothing. I guess he covered his tracks well. Maybe I would need to do something extra someday but I dont know what yet.


I am glad I have this outlet. 


I hope I dont need anymore pills too. 


May Allah grant my wishes. 


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